So here I am minding my own business surfing ballerstatus.com and all my other favorite sites (because I'm a huge black man trapped inside a little white girls body) when all of a sudden I see all this stuff about the Gathering of the Juggalos being the dopest jump off to jumo off this summer. Just check this out:

Alright so before you watch this video, it's 23 minutes long. If you have the time, by all means watch it because it's completely hilarious (no disrespect to the Juggalos, but you have to admit this video is absurd. The guy pronounced the S in Illinois.)

If you were too lazy to watch that, here's the highlights of this insane line up:

ICP, DMX, Three 6 Mafia, Geto Boys, George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic, Raekwon, Master P, Tech N9ne, Warren G, Danny Brown, Project Pat, Slaine, The Game, Big Hutch, Mack 10, Kool Keith Lil Wyte, Lil EZ, and Onyx, among others. There's also a bunch of other talents like wrestlers, (one of which is named Weedman), comedians (Cheech & Chong, Jamie Kennedy) and I don't even know what else, just check out their site.

So uh, whose idea was this and what was the reasoning behind it? Do you not want me to come or something? You thought you could just have a music festival with all my favorite rappers and hope I wouldn't find out because you disguised it as a crazy clown fest? Well nice try but now I know and the more I look into this thing the more I'm thinking I might have to go.

I mean this festival has carnival rides, swimming holes, a wet tee shirt contest, 'Psychopathic Karaoke' (so serious), a Love Train, something called Violent J's Beach Party, and way way more stuff. How have I not known about this shit before? I feel duped.

So wassadeal ICP, are you TRYING to get my ass up to Illinois to pop off with you guys? Cuz I was under the impression I represent everything you guys hate. I mean I'm down to come, I fux with ICP from time to time (yes I'm serious, Just Another Crazy Click, I Be Fuckin, all my jams) and I love music festivals more than anything, I'm just kinda scared I'll end up like one of those rotisserie pigs with a stick shoved up my ass and an apple in my mouth doing 360's over an open flame.

I guess there's only one way to find out then huh? I mean fuck it, at least we can relish in the fact that we all hate Tila Tequila