Consolidating in one sentence the true repugnance I feel for “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is damn near impossible. 

This film does exist, certainly for the worse of the world – somebody did not hack into your cable wires and throw on your television a fake trailer of an incomprehensible film to either startle you or make you gag. 

This is the state of cinema after the release super blockbuster “Avatar” in 2009, where every film in the realm of being pure shit has no choice but to be released in 3D in order to appeal to as wide of an audience as possible. “Vampire Hunter” is unquestionably the epitome of how deplorable of a technology 3D is. 3D films can be equated to unsavory, rotted garbage in motion picture form in my humble opinion. 

Even though weirdo filmmaker Tim Burton signed on as a producer, don’t be fooled: The acting is atrocious. Anthony Mackie’s southern accent is one of the few positive points from the film, and you may recognize Mary Elizabeth Winstead as Mary Todd Lincoln having recently acted in “Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World” and “The Thing.” Dominic Cooper plays Abraham Lincoln and looks as if he was an eighteen-year-old during his senior year of secondary education playing our 16th President in his last high school performance. 

Insinuating that Confederates of the south in the pre-Civil War era were made up of a large population of vampires, director Timur Bekmambetov equates their greed democratically to wolfish corporate executives of the modern day United States because, you know, all those 1% right-wingers certainly support slavery considering their money-grubbing, materialistic beliefs. Our renown American hero Abraham Lincoln is like Buffy with a shiny metal axe, out to get revenge over the death of his mother by brutally murdering these vampires like a psychopath. 

Gag me with a spoon.

If you have any interest in this, just kill yourself. I’m not one for hating on originality within a film, but “VAMPIRE HUNTER” is just pure camp. I think that this script would have fit better if they re-wrote it into a pornography film. Avoid this vampire hunter by all costs. 

Grade: F