Well just another reason, on top of shitty tourists and crowded beaches, to not go to Cape Cod: two great white sharks have been detected in the waters near Monomoy Island. Last year, seven of these behemoths were tagged for research; the two returning bastards set off pings about a half mile from the Chatham shoreline.

I really, really, really hate sharks. They are 200% of the reason I don't like the ocean or going to the beach. Throw in the fact that MA beaches are cold, dirty, rocky, chocked full of freezing water and horseflys; basically, you'll never catch me at a beach. I'm more likely to be by a pool, far far away from a shark designed to shred my flesh to pieces and swallow me in one gulp.

So why are these monsters back near the Cape? Experts say there's a population of seals loitering near Monomoy Island attracting the hunters to the area. Reported sightings of wounded seals with shark bites sparked the search as recently as Wednesday.

As of now, beaches will remain open. Why? Because money is worth more than people's lives, obviously. The best advice one can give is from shark researcher John Chisholm: "Don't swim with the seals. That's really all we can say. It's their ocean." Oh really? Thanks for the hot tip there Sherlock.