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Just like many places in this world, the beach is a soothing and serene sanctuary that can quickly become transformed to your own personal Armageddon when infiltrated by irksome external elements, most commonly in the form of other human beings. Wish to join these insufferable ranks of beachgoers? Here’s how to become the most bothersome beach bum out there:
Expose too much skin.
Take this opportunity to expose all those places where the sun usually doesn’t shine—and probably should notshine—to both the UV rays and everyone around you. Make others feel the need to avert their eyes in discomfort. Draw some inspiration from your trip abroad to Europe last semester and let everyone have a look at your goodies, even if all those around you wish you had simply kept your goodies in the jar.
Be loud and proud.
Set up your boom box and start blasting “Call Me Maybe” before you even start slathering on the sunscreen. Call up your best friend and conduct a boisterous conversation about what an amazing beach day it is. All but announce your presence on the beach with a bullhorn.
Toss up some sand.
Instead of slinking your way conscientiously between other beachgoers, gambol through with reckless abandon, letting masses of sand particles flying up in your wake. Freshen up your beach towel every hour or so by flapping it theatrically through the air. Leave everyone around you coated in a thick layer of sand.
Bring along kiddies.
Nothing is quite as calmative as the piercing shriek of youngster at play. Take your shrill little cousins, the indulgent imps you babysit for, and any pestering nuggets you can find, and let them wreak havoc while you work on your tan. Holler at them every now and then from half a mile down the beach while they romp about, whacking one another with plastic shovels.
Pay no heed to those conveniently-placed garbage receptacles scattered along the beach. Toss all your refuse over your shoulder, letting it soar elegiacally over the heads of your neighbors. Allow everyone you to lie sunbathing among your empty Dorito bags and cigarette butts.
Pick up any of these habits, and you’ll have your own private beach in no time!
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