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Congratulations! Due to your basic mathematic skills and nonexistent/overlooked criminal record, you have presumably secured yourself temporary employment for the summer. And, unless your own industriousness/opportune personal connections have secured you an invaluable internship, you’re more than likely stocking shelves or scooping ice cream for a dolefully small amount of money. However, even this pitiable profession can help you gain a work ethic and experience for the future, unless, of course, you do your best to make this summer a grand waste of time. Here is just how you can do so:
Make your superiority evident to all your coworkers. Assure everyone around you that this job, which may be a career and even a source of pride for some of your workmates, is a position far beneath you that you only deign to work at. If your manager asks you to mop the bathroom floor, stare back blankly before asking, with genuine bewilderment, “Oh, you want me, someone who is currently pursuing a college degree, to do that common laborer’s task?”
Make your superiority evident to all your customers. Treat each guest with deliberate condescension. When someone asks if you can get him or her a pair of chinos in a larger size, reply, “Gee, I’m not sure, can I? Such a task may require the totality of my intellect, but I’ll try my very best to complete this cerebrally arduous mission!”
Neglect your basic responsibilities. Assure yourself that the policies and procedures only apply to your incompetent colleagues. Show up an hour late for your shift without explanation or apology. Spend the preponderance of your shift hiding in the backroom retweeting celebrities and playing Words With Friends on your iPhone. For every ten dollars a customer pays, secretly pocket a dollar for yourself.
Demonstrate utter disrespect. Launder your uniform as rarely as possible, so that you often arrive to work sullied, wrinkled, and emitting a vaguely foul odor. Grunt oafishly in response to any sort of conversation coworkers and customers attempt to engage you in. If you are given a chore to complete, reply that you “don’t feel like it.” If a customer dares to exhibit even a little bit of cheekiness, embark on a wild tirade in which you both defame the individual and threaten bodily injury.
Yes, you may be making peasant’s wages for the next three months, but follow these steps and no one will mistake you for some grocery-bagging wench. Either that, or you’ll swiftly find yourself unemployed.
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