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Fashion is all about expressing one’s individuality. However, if you don’t want your individuality to express your utter disinterest in sexual intercourse, there are a few trends you guys should simply say no to:
All right, Edgy McHipsterpants. You may drink chai tea, listen to the Weepies, and consistently seek new ways to disaffiliate yourself from mainstream society, but that’s no excuse for wearing a giant sock on your head. I’m much more likely to offer you a hot shower and a bus token than my number if you wear one of these floppy faux pas.
Unless you’re employed by the United States Postal Service and make your deliveries by bicycle, your belongings should not be kept in a cross-body satchel. The metrosexual urbanite sect and uncomfortably unhip fathers may be trying to bring these sad sacks back into vogue, but that doesn’t mean you should be cavorting about town looking like the village messenger.
You may feel cool bopping to your indubitably dope tunes with high-definition headphones the size of earmuffs, but unless you’re a rap music mogul on the rise, you’re going to end up looking more like Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dre. If you’re not taking on the alias Biggie Fresh anytime soon, then switch to some earphones of a socially acceptable size.
Flip flops, okay. Athletic sandals, sure. But April showers should not bring strappy leather open-toed shoes secured with a buckle. You can wear them during your audition for “Jesus Christ Superstar,” but wearing these Jesus cruisers anywhere near a beach, or—the horror!—with socks, would surely be a cardinal sin.
Repeat after me: Real men don’t wear peacoats. Invest in a double-breasted wool jacket for the wintertime, and next thing you know you’ll be wearing a gold monogrammed pinky ring and using exfoliating bath salts. Get a jacket that can handle the natural elements, unless you want to handle a weekly dry cleaning bill.
Condoms are relatively inexpensive, boys; there is no need to rely on your accessory choices to act as methods of contraception. Get rid of these fashion don’ts and you’ll be somewhat more sexually desirable in no time!
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