If these two can't make it, then there sure as hell isn't any hope for the rest of us. 

Two giant tortoises, Bibi and Poldi, are headed for splitsville after 115 years of companionship. 

The two met at an Australian zoo and have lived together for the past 36 years, however the female tortoise Bibi has recently decided she hates her turtle husband and began attacking him (I am sure unprovoked, right fellas). The zookeepers were forced to seperate the pair, as they are both strong enough to kill eachother in just a few bites.

Call me any time Poidi, I'll be your wingman.