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Alcohol is like a box of chocolates; you’ll never know what you’re going to get. Or something like that.
Booze is kind of like those fictitious pharm parties that new stations always carry on about to get the panties of PTO moms into a twist. You never really know what kind of emotions this illicit substance will elicit on a given night. Here are just a few types of drunks that you could encounter during a night on the town.
The Happy Drunk
Get a few drinks in these people and suddenly they’ve got a pocket full of sunshine. Their bodies miraculously manage to convert liquor into endorphins in their blood stream and they’ll be nodding their heads like yeah and moving their hips like yeah as soon as the dancing juice wets their lips.
The Silly Drunk
When these people ingest alcohol, everything becomes uproariously hilarious. Though these drunks may be as humorless as a potted plant by day, a shot of patron can have them cavorting about the party with a lampshade on their head laughing like a loon on loon tablets.
The Sociable Drunk
Usually these people can’t manage to make eye contact with a member of the opposite sex without conspicuously perspiring, but after they start drinking they become transformed into a drunken social butterfly. Not only will they finally introduce themselves to the person who sits behind them in chemistry, but they’ll probably end up introducing themselves to everyone in the room.
The Flirty Drunk
Booze transforms these types of drunks into a regular Pepe Le Pew. They’ll be batting their eyes and not-so-subtly letting their hands graze the thighs of everyone they meet. These people will end up asking at least half a dozen strangers to call them maybe by the end of the night.
The Sentimental Drunk
Once these people put a bottle to their face, they’ll start handing out hugs like free T-shirts. The girl they just met will become their new best friend, and the best friends they went out with will become their soul mates during the course of the night. These drunks will sail around the party with a teary smile proclaiming, “I just love you all so much!”
The Horny Drunk
These drunks won’t just want to dance with somebody; they’ll want to feel the heat with somebody as well. Alcohol will make their carnal desire so strong that they’ll invite just about anyone to a slumber party in their basement.
The Sad Drunk
With each drinks, these types of drunks will feel the weight of their insecurities, their unrequited love, and their daddy issues more and more heavily. The night will end with them sobbing in a staircase, asking everyone that passes if they are pretty or if anyone will ever be capable of loving them.
The Angry Drunk
Alcohol has the effect of stirring up embittered memories and unresolved animosity in these people, and soon enough they’ll be stomping about like Rage Against the Machine is providing their internal soundtrack. The night won’t end without them creating a scene straight out a telenovela.
The Quiet Drunk
These are perhaps the most disconcerting drunks of all. Alcohol does not make them boisterous, or bold, or brash; instead they will retreat wordlessly to a corner, sipping from their solo cup and staring fixedly on some unseen object. Stay far, far away from these types of people.
The fun of it all is that no one can be pigeonholed into any one category; wine might make them weepy while rum will make them randy. So go get your drink on; who knows where the night, or your vodka red bull, will take you!
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