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Do you love to turn up out of the blue uninvited? Do people often wish you wouldn’t stand so close to them? Then you, my friend, may just be a creep. Whether you’re a novice creeper or a full-blown weirdo, here’s how you can cultivate your voyeuristic art:
Know things about people that they didn’t tell you themselves. Stalk the Facebook and Twitter profiles of every acquaintance you have within an inch of its life. Upon encountering one of these many acquaintances, say ever-so-casually to them, “You and Rich saw The Avengers last night at the West Village theater, right? How was that?” or “So your girlfriend Carol who’s a studio art major at Wellesley is visiting this weekend, huh? You guys have been dating for five and a half months now, right?” When the acquaintance questions the source of your disconcertingly specific information, simply shrug and say, “You hear things.”
Attend events you heard about from other people yet weren’t invited to. Hear about pregames and parties through word of mouth or find events on Facebook. Show up and cite the name of a random acquaintance who was actually invited to attend as having invited you. Lurk alone on the peripherals, eavesdropping on conversations and appearing in the background of several pictures, clutching a solo cup and staring emotionlessly at the camera.
Obtain people’s contact information from other sources. Ask your acquaintances or scour social media sites for phone numbers you haven’t been given yet wish to obtain. Randomly text these people who did not voluntarily bequeath their phone numbers to you with a casual, “What’s up? And oh, by the way, this is so-and-so.” When they ask where you got their number, answer cryptically: “I have my sources.”
Find everyone you meet on Facebook and Twitter. If you’re in the dining hall with a roommate and her bio lab partner stops by your table to drop off a notebook and you two are briefly introduced, consider that enough to merit a friend request. Hoard Facebook friends and Twitter followers like some kind of weird stamp collection. Hell, why limit yourself to people you’ve had real-life interactions with? Request and follow everyone that you happen to share more than five mutual acquaintances with. If people aren't asking, "Who's that?" when they receive your request, then you're not doing your job right. Never acknowledge the majority of your social networking contacts in real life.
Become generally socially eccentric. Often be spotted alone, staring unblinkingly at some indefinite target across a room. When someone introduces him or herself to you, reply, “Yeah, I know.” Smile without using your teeth and acquire a habit of lurking in the shadows a few feet behind people as they walk. Become a person who everyone sort of recognizes, but no one really knows.
Follow these steps, and you’ll be the campus creep before you know it!
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