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Raise your hand if you really enjoy things coming at your face. Wait, don’t answer that.
Is there anyone out there who likes watching films in three dimensions? As the number of 3D films being released exponentially increases, my faith in American cinema consequently continues to decline. Movie tickets are already outrageously priced; do I really need to fork over an additional few bucks for a migraine and a pair of plastic shades that will become disposable once the credits roll?
Here’s the Hollywood equation: take this film idea that was moderately fruitful the first (or second…) time around, say the Men and Black or Madagascar franchises, and then recycle it, camouflaging the slapdash production and regurgitated concepts by very literally throwing them into audience’s faces. Does projectile vomiting images into an audience make them funnier? More exciting? Cinematically esteemed? No, no, and no. Vaguely nauseating? Perhaps.
Not only are new films being released in 3D, but several films that were rendered or filmed in 2D are now being rerelease in three dimensions. Really, Hollywood? You’re going to take the cherished Disney films I grew up with and tarnish them with technology?
The Lion King was the first movie I ever saw in theaters, a precious memory in my childhood. Now the latest generation can barely grasp the majesty of the film, as they are too distracted by the animated characters inhabiting multiple spatial planes at once.
Hollywood even resurrected Jack and Rose’s eminent love story to thrust it into audience’s faces. You can mess with my ticket prices, you can mess with my depth perception, but you can’t mess with Titanic, Hollywood. My heart will not go on from this hi-tech howler.
This is my cease and desist letter, IMAX. It’s not clever to take a ‘threequel’ and make it into a 3D film, hoping to disguise the fact that this third installment is an uninspiring fiasco. It’s not economically savvy to resurrect cinematic achievements and sexually assault them with new technology.
Until “Blood-Sucking Vampire Sluts 3D!!!” is no longer opened alongside Oscar award-winning achievements, the cinematic world will ultimately implode in a poorly-designed pyrotechnical explosion.
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