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You are young, you are hormonal and, sooner or later, you’re going to develop an all-consuming desire for a person whom you believe has an appealing personality and/or physique. Perhaps you want to spend hours lying in an open field with your love interest staring at the clouds, or maybe you just want to copulate his or her brains out. Either way, you are infatuated, and you must somehow convey this to your love interest. Yes, there is the coy and coquettish approach, but subtlety is really just so last season. Here’s how you can make your infatuation unmistakable not only to your love interest, but everyone around you:
Learn your love interest’s schedule. Find out that he or she has macroeconomics in Cedar Hall on Wednesday afternoons. Wait outside the classroom leaning nonchalantly against the water fountain. Pretend not to see your love interest until the last minute. Flash a charming grin. Exclaim, “Oh, funny seeing you here!” Find out your love interest is going to a party on Lexington Ave on Saturday night. Stand stationed by the keg until he or she finally goes to get a drink. Say, “We just seem to be seeing each other everywhere, don’t we?”
Stalk your love interest’s cyber activity. And don’t just furtively pour through all his or her pictures and wall posts; that’s child’s play. Make your cyber-stalking evident. “Like” every last status update and mobile upload, even if status update your love interest posted pertains to visiting his or her grandparents in Toronto. Comment on one of his or her profile pictures from 2007: “Aw, so cute even when you had braces!” Frequently write on your love interests wall, such as to say, “So great seeing you at that party Saturday night!” just so your name is always there.
Befriend all your love interest’s friends. Do not just smile tentatively at your love interest’s comrades and then quickly avert your eyes. Smile grandly when you spot them and give them an affable wave. Even initiate small talk. You’ll be rolling with this posse once you and your love interest inevitably start dating, so you might as well win them all over now, right? When you see them eating together in the dining hall, even if your love interest isn’t present, pull up a chair. Bring up your love interest frequently in conversation, even when he or she isn’t relevant.
Flirt as though your life depended on it. Forget the subtle texts asking how his or her bio exam went. Be forward and direct, almost uncomfortably so. Find a way to make physical contact every time you two interact. Shower your love interest with compliments. Use winky emoticons without abandon. On the weekends, throw caution to the wind and drunk-text your deepest and dirtiest desires to your love interest. YOLO, right?
Forget beating around the bush; follow these steps and you’ll have wooed the panties off your love interest in no time. Either that, or he or she will be filing a restraining order.
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