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Red solo cups and cell phones don’t mix. It’s as simple as that. But once that magical brew starts flowing through you, the ill-advised text messages begin to fly. Yes, you can always just blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol baby, but the bottom line is: you drink, you text, you lose. How many of these common types of text messages have you sent in an imprudent drunken haze?
1. An old friend
You haven’t spoken since Christmas break of freshman year, but suddenly you have a burning desire to figure out what they’re up to.
“Heeeyyyyyy! How have you been?”
Most likely a friendly conversation ensues, where you both gush about how you need to grab lunch at Panera next time you’re home. And if they don’t reply, it’s no skin off your inebriated ass. You’ll forget it even happened by tomorrow.
Potential shame factor: Low.
2. A parent
You may have just made out with a mustachioed stranger in the men’s room of a seedy bar, but you now want to share your uninhibited affection with your parental units as well.
“I love you guys!!!”
You don’t receive a reply until the morning (usually a puzzled “I love you too?”) and even though mom and dad now know you were three sheets to the wind last night, at least they know you were thinking of them, right?
Potential shame factor: Moderately low.
3. A random acquaintance
You two have a class or two together and you once exchanged numbers when you were working on a group project. Your relationship is purely platonic, but you get it in your mind that the two of you could become really great friends tonight.
“Hi! What are you up to????”
They may invite you to join in on their plans and you two carouse through the night, making memories and forging a lifelong friendship. Or you could unknowingly breach an unspoken agreement that the two of you would remain casual sober consecrates, making every interaction with said person from this point on tainted with awkwardness.
Potential shame factor: Moderate
4. A hookup buddy
You’ve hooked up a few times in the past, and even though this go-to hookup didn’t text you at all last weekend, tonight you have a fever and the only cure is a casual sexual interaction.
“Hiiii we should meet up tonight ;)”
Perhaps their carnal desire is just as strong as yours and within a few hours you two are engaging in a passionate tête-à-tête back in your dorm room. But, there’s always a chance that your SMS announcing that you’re DTF goes unanswered, making you look like horny hussy with an overactive libido.
Potential shame factor: Moderately high
5. A love interest
You’ve had the craving to copulate with this person for months now and have been waiting for the right moment to make you move. Tonight feels like the night.
“Hey. What are you doing tonight? I’d really like to see you!”
You’ve officially put your cards on the table, and there’s no turning back. Maybe you’ll meet up, hook up, and start up a promising relationship. Or maybe he won’t reply at all, rebuffing your blatant sexual come-on and forcing you to drown yourself in an industrial-sized bag of Cheetos back in your room.
Potential shame factor: High
6. An ex
It's a quarter after one, you’re a little drunk and you need this person now.
“I miss you.”
Congratulations, Lady Antebellum, you’ve just made the worst drunk text message mistake you can make. Even if your ex-lover does reply, rarely is it an apt time for rekindling when you’re slopped and sentimental.
Potential shame factor: Off the scale
There you have it, friends. Next time you’re sipping on the dancing juice with iPhone in hand, perhaps you’ll now hesitate before committing one of these textual faux pas.
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