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I think there is a curse wandering around URI. Off the top of my head, I can name six couples that have called it quits in the last two weeks.
Is it just me- or do boyfriends now need a “how to” guide? Pathetic? Yes. Completely necessary? Double Yes.
First of all girls, if you met a guy at a bar, I think you need to reconsider. I think of meeting men at bars is like window shopping- you’re looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies. The more men I meet at bars, the more I love vodka. On another note, and perhaps more importantly, if he thinks of Barneys as a purple dinosaur and not a high-end department store, he’s just a lost cause.
Regardless of where you meet them, you need to analyze their character. In my experience, you can tell a lot about a man by the way that he handles three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. And if he grazes through these mini-tests, then he has graduated into the ‘boyfriend’ position; or one of the few, anyway.
Here is where the how-to’s begin:
1. Don’t look through my phone. It’s annoying and a huge signal that you don’t trust me. I dated a guy who I felt like would wait for me to leave the room and out of sight to grab my iPhone. If I give you a reason to want to look through my phone and I am innocent, I shouldn't have a problem handing it over to you and making you look like the asshole. However, if I want to look through yours, no matter what the scenario, it’s completely acceptable.
2. If we’re in a conversation, and I tap tap tap on my phone a long message and you respond ‘k,’ we’re over. Is that really all you have to say? I know you’re doing it to annoy womankind as a whole, and it’s working.
3. Don’t you ever get too comfortable. In short: be spontaneous. I don’t need anything ridiculous- show up at my door with Chinese takeout, wine, and a pair of handcuffs, and we’ll call it a night. If I call you at 8pm every night and can guess what video game you’re playing, then this area especially needs some improvement.
4. You may never use the “c” word. I know you’re thinking of another word that is also unacceptable, but I mean ‘crazy.’ No matter what I do or say, do not call me crazy. Handle it, and use nicer synonyms. I can’t think of any nicer synonyms, but hey, here’s a great opportunity to be creative. Don’t call me anything that you wouldn’t call your mother.
5. Issuing ultimatum’s is completely unnecessary. Fighting is never fun, that we know, but fighting dirty is especially not okay. It leaves girls feeling powerless, and furious. Let us pretend, for a second, that we’re in control, and I promise it’ll end so much easier.
Good luck to us all ladies, apparently we need it. Happy hunting, and just always remember that the only difference between a baby and a boyfriend is that you can leave a baby alone with a babysitter.
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