After reading Pixley J’s blog "5 Reasons To Stop Faking-It In Bed", I had to change my New Year’s Resolution. My new resolution is to rid the world of the fake orgasm (I guess I’ll never learn how to ride a bike). To that end, I am proud to present:

5 Things You Can Do In The Next 30 Seconds To Give Your Girlfriend A Real Orgasm, Tonight!:

1) Don’t Drink Too Much: My first tip was going to be “stay sober” but we all know how likely that is, so instead I’m just recommending that you try not to drink “too much” before getting down to business. If you are wondering how many drinks you can have and still successfully give your girlfriend an orgasm at the end of the night, I have devised a little test that you can try at home:

            You Will Need:

            One (1) Lego Set. I prefer Star Wars, but any set will do.

            One (1) Handle of cheap Rum/Vodka

            One (1) Pen or Pencil

            One (1) Stopwatch

            What to do:

Take the Lego set out of the box and begin putting it together. Every 3 minutes take a shot of Rum/Vodka. Use the pen to keep track of how many drinks you’ve had on your arm or leg, something that you won’t lose. When you have reached the point where you can no longer muster the dexterity to put together that spaceship, you will know exactly how many drinks you can have before your girlfriend will be forced to fake it.

2) Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help
As Pixley said in her post, women know their own bodies better than any man in their lives ever could. They know exactly what they like. During sex your lady is giving you a million clues about what they like and don’t like, but if their signals are getting crossed there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. All you have to do is ask and I assure you they will be more than happy to tell you exactly what you need to be doing.

3) Use Your Hands
It’s unfortunate that the finger bang went out of style after high school because it really is the best (read: easiest) way to make sure your lady has a great orgasm. I won’t go into graphic detail on what I think the best technique is, but try a few things out and make sure you are paying attention when she tells you what works best for her.

- give them a good workout

4) Sex Doesn’t Finish When You Do
I know how bad you want to check Facebook/watch the game/go to sleep, but just because you’re finished doesn’t mean that sex is over. I’m sorry to break it to you so late, but the title of this post is a lie. Superman couldn’t give your girlfriend an orgasm in 30 seconds, and neither can you. Just because Optimus Prime is out of commission doesn’t mean you can’t finish the job with another body part(see #3) or even a toy. 

5) Don’t Get Discouraged, Play Like a Champ
You already know that girls are crazy. Well, so are their bodies. Depending on a variety of things sometimes The Big O just won’t happen. The most important piece of advice I can give you is to never give up. It may not happen today, it may not happen tomorrow, but it will happen someday and she will be thankful for the rest of your life. Or at least the rest of the night. Whatever comes first.

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