Valentine's Day. What a Hallmark induced holiday. It's nothing more than a bunch of money-hungry old men looking to make a buck. I suppose I ought to be more cheerful because I actually have a reason to celebrate it this year, but I can't get my mind off the fact that it's not real. Saint Valentine was a person who achieved his "Saint" status from good, commendable deeds, not overpriced chocolates and teddy bears. I don't want to be sucked in to the media's awful atrophy of this holiday. The idea that gifts must be given seems like a waste to me, but I know that I will be forced into purchasing one, not from desire but from a social obligation.

So the problem now becomes, not the destruction of a once respectable holiday, but finding the right gift. What does one get a guy on Valentine's Day? For the most part, optically anyway, Valentine's Day is a holiday for women. You buy them chocolates or flowers or balloons or jewelry. What guy would actually appreciate a gift like that without sacrificing his manhood in the process? Even gifts that are meant for men are actually for women. For example, buying a man sexy women's lingerie implies that you are buying him a "good time" (wink wink) but you don't honestly expect him to wear it. You expect him to give it to his female counterpart. So what does the guy get?

Dinner sounds like a good plan, but it's a problem when your guy is set on chivalry. Yeah it's great and we complain about the lack of it in our men today, but it kind of ruins our plans to pay for a romantic dinner. If your guy lets you grab the tab then congratulations. But my guy will wrestle me for the bill any day so that idea crosses itself off the list. Where does that leave me? I’m stuck in a hole with no present and a highly overblown present-giving holiday. Wonderful. That's when I get creative.

I decided that if my presents can't be genuine, then I'll make them funny. I will make them so corny that he won't be able to help but laugh. I'll purchase the most stereotypical Valentine's Day presents and add the sappiest Valentine's Day wishes and wrap them in obnoxiously bright Valentine's Day wrapping. I will be so cute that he will want to puke and even then, the very chunks of his vomit will be glittery and pink and in the shape of hearts. Maybe then he will realize that I don't enjoy Valentine's Day. Maybe then, he will take me seriously when I say that I don't want to exchange gifts. Maybe then, we’ll get a real idea of love.

Enjoy your holiday... <3