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Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you have all been waiting for has arrived. While I hope you enjoyed Part 1: The Face and Part 2: The Body, we all know that this is really what you’re here for, so without further ado, I and my esteemed team of researchers here at Sumo Laboratories present to you Part 3 of Johnnie Cake’s Guide To Manscaping: The Big Show.
Part Three: The Big Show
So you’ve decided to shave your balls. I remember exact moment when this idea first occurred to me. I was 18, a freshman at a particularly infamous Massachusetts state university. My roommate, we’ll call him Sully because not only was that his name but it fits the stereotype perfectly, approached me before I was scheduled to go on a “date” with a female friend. The conversation went something like this:
Sully: You going to shave your nuts?
JC: What? Bluck! Are you serious?
Sully: All I’m saying is that if you want her to put them in her mouth they better not have hair all over them.
How could I have been so blind? It’s so obvious; I just never put 2 and 2 together. I did want her to put them in her mouth! Getting hair in MY mouth is basically my greatest fear, why wouldn’t she feel the same way? My world had suddenly changed forever. With that bit of history out of the way, please enjoy 5 tips on how to stay perfectly manscaped below the belt:
Tip 1: Make Sure You Have All The Right Tools
When approaching a job of this magnitude, with this level of difficulty, it is important that you have all of the right tools to get started. First, obviously, you will need a beard or hair trimmer. Cordless is recommended but I guess if you’re totally stuck you could use one that plugs into a wall outlet. Next you are going to need women’s shaving cream and a woman’s razor. While you could use your Mach 3, women’s razors and shaving cream are designed for sensitive areas with wild curves. It’s not a horrible idea to ask your lady friends what they use and just go with that.
Tip 2: Your Dong is Not a Bonsai Tree
I know that you are proud of it, but your dong is not a bonsai tree, and should not be manscaped as such. I know that it’s tempting. I know that your cupcake (the area below your stomach and above the base of your penis) looks like a canvas waiting for your artists touch, but please, keep it simple. Think about it like this. What would you think if you took off your lady’s pants only to discover a crop circle like design? You might think “Wow, this chick’s really cool” but more likely you will be thinking, “I wonder if the T is still running, this girl’s a psycho!” Well, guess what buddy, it goes both ways.
Tip 3: Manscape It In The Shower
When you shave your face, you shave over the sink. Why? 1) Easy access to water 2) The hair collects neatly in the drain Now unless you possess a level of flexibility that most men only dream of, you will likely not be able to get your dong, balls and taint over the sink. So what can you do to avoid disaster? Manscape in the shower. Not only will you have all of the water you need, it will make post manscaping clean up a breeze. Warning: Not that you would be this dumb, but if you are using an electric trimmer, you probably want to turn the shower off first.
Tip 4: Trimmer on The Top
You should never shave your cupcake with a razor for a few reasons. First of all, it is likely that the area isn’t used to being shaved. Razor burn and ingrown hairs will be brutal. More importantly, very few women actually like a hairless cupcake. You may like the extra 3/8th of an inch it gives you, but the reality of the situation is that it will make you look like a toddler, and that is never sexy. Use the beard trimmer on the top on either a number one or a zero and remember to keep it simple. Just a trim can go far.
Tip 5: Razor on The Bottom While the idea of dragging a razor across your scrotum may not sound like the most fun activity, it is 10 times safer than using a trimmer and will provide you with better results. How is that possible? Using a beard trimmer in an area that you can’t see very well is a total crapshoot. It is likely that you will actually impale your sack on the points of the trimmer, and there will be blood. Avoid this horror show by using your women’s razor. Lather up very well and just drag the razor lightly over the skin. Rinse and repeat. It may burn a little, but that will go away quickly and you will look great. An aside: Don’t forget your taint/grundle/gooch/whatever you like to call it. This often-ignored area can ruin a great manscaping job. Just take a quick swipe at it with your beard trimmer (moving away from your nuts) and you should be good to go. Whatever you do, keep it simple and tweet all your manscaping questions @johnnie_cake. Have a question about manscaping, credit cards or anything else? Tweet questions @johnnie_cake and Discover more today.
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